I started thinking about cell-phone users in the mid-90s
when I was waiting in Logan Airport in Boston for a flight to Ireland. It
was eleven o’clock at night, and several people in the waiting area were
on their cell phones. Now, I don’t know who they were talking with, but if
anyone calls me after eight o’clock at night they’d better expect a less
than gracious response. That started me wondering if those people were actually
talking with anyone, or simply making a pathetic gesture to project their
self-importance to those in their vicinity.
It’s been a few years, and I’m even more convinced now
that people who use cell phones in public are trying to boost their own sense
of self-importance. I own a cell phone and have used it occasionally to make
calls. But it’s never on unless I’m calling someone, and I never use it in
public. I can’t think of a reason, other than an emergency, that would prompt
me to use a cell phone in a public place, or even have it ring for my attention..
But I’ve recently noticed one positive trend in cell phone
use that may mean some comedians will have to develop new material, moving
away from jokes about guys who won’t ask for directions. I’m talking about
the guys who venture into supermarkets without a shopping list in hand. It’s
the guy I often see staring numbly at a supermarket display for several agonizing
seconds before he pulls the cell phone from his pocket and hits speed dial.
“Hi Hon, I’m at the store. Yes, I got the milk and the
eggs. Those were brown eggs, right? But what about the lettuce? You said
I’d find it in the produce section, right? You said I should look for something
green and round. Well, I found it, but the sign says cabbage. Yes, it’s green
and round. You didn’t say there would be choices. Wait a minute. Okay, I
found the “other” green and round stuff; I’m all set now. I’ll see you in
a little while.”
A short time later I spot him standing by the meat counter,
looking puzzled, and reaching for the cell phone.
“Hi Hon, me again. Well, I found the meat counter on my
own, thank you. You said pick up a steak for supper, but there are so many
choices. What kind of steak should I get? Why should I ask the guy in the
white coat and the hair net? I don’t like to speak to anyone with a knife
in his hand, especially while he’s wearing a hair net. I was thinking we
could just have burgers tonight with the salad. That’s what the lettuce is
for, right? Yes, but, uh, there seems to be a lot of choices for hamburger.
There’s 75 percent, 80 percent, 85 percent, and 90 percent. Percent of what?
A whole cow? There are a lot of different sizes. I mean, all the lettuce
was about the same size, but the hamburger packages go from a half pound
up to six pounds. How much do we need for a couple of burgers apiece? The
guy with the knife is looking at me, I’m going to move down toward the other
stuff, the sign says it’s chicken. Maybe we should have chicken, but, Hon,
the packages say wings, thighs, drumsticks, breasts. What do I pick? Thighs?
Okay, how many pounds? Hon, Honey, Hon, I seem to be losing the signal. Hon,
are you there?”