While reluctantly and briefly watching some of the television coverage of
the arrest of two suspects in the Washington, D.C. area sniper case in 2003, I suddenly
imagined the coverage as a screen play.
Scene: A television news studio
Male anchor: Rock Starr
Major attributes for the job: Hair
and a toothy smile. Best talent: ability to show sympathy for victims by
frowning with one arched eyebrow.
Female anchor: Candy Dish
Major attributes for the job: Hair
and a toothy smile. Best talent: ability to show sympathy for victims by
frowning while turning slightly to highlight bra size.
Rock: “Ladies and gentlemen, I
feel it’s necessary to point out to our faithful viewing audience that the
report you just witnessed from the coffee shop in which Police Chief Charles
Moose ate breakfast during his first two years as an officer on a beat set
a new standard for this news program. It was the seventeenth video report
in fifteen minutes brought to you to keep you fully informed of unfolding
events. We think, we sincerely know, it’s another demonstration of our
commitment
to bring to you, our faithful viewing audience, all the facts surrounding
this tragic story.”
Candy: “Yes Rock, and yet
there’s more
to come. Before the upcoming, brief commercial break, we go live to a report
from the corner of Elm and Main Streets, with Inna Frenssie.”
Ina: “Thanks Rock, Candy.
I’m
standing in front of this drug store at the corner of Elm and Main Streets
because there is a great, little restaurant around the corner in which I
and my videographer just ate lunch. I’m hoping the proximity of the
restaurant
to the actual airing of this piece will allow me to write off the lunch on
my tax returns. I’ll have to check with my accountant. Meanwhile,
I’ll have
a report for you as soon as I think of something to say. That’s all from
here for the moment. Back to you in the studio.”
Candy: “Thanks, Inna, for that
report.
We invite our faithful viewing audience to stay tuned for more coverage of
this breaking story with more scenes of carnage and heartbreaking images
repeated over and over. At this time, while preparing to go to a commercial
break, our staff is compiling a montage, Rock will explain that word to me
later, of scenes in which friends and relatives of the victims cry on camera,
just for you.”
Rock: “That’s right
folks, we’ll
replay for you, soon and many more times today, those emotional scenes of
people, just like you, being thrown into throes of agony by the approach
of a video camera so you can relive the horror and tragedy of it all, again
and again.”
Candy: “It’s a terrible thing
to see,
but we know you’ll all want to stay tuned to see it again, and again. And,
there are plans to put together a two-DVD package of tearful victims so you
can re-live these scenes in the privacy of your own home, or send the images
to friends for Christmas.”
Rock: “Candy, we’re
almost ready
to go to a live report with people who served in the army. As you know, the
suspect was also in the army. We will explore the connection.”
Candy: “And we’ll also be
repeating
a report we had at the beginning of our live coverage of this tragic event
in which a man who has lived in Maryland since his birth recounts his recent
visit to Tacoma, Washington.”
Rock: “Isn’t that Tacoma,
Oregon, Candy?”
Candy: “That was a valiant attempt to
lighten
the atmosphere here in our studio, Rock.”
Rock: “We’d planned to
go to a
live report from a survivalist camp in South Dakota for a reminder of the
old adage, guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but it seems we
lost
contact with our news crew as they approached the fortified gates of the
camp. We hope to have that report for you shortly, or at least retrieve the
remains of our news crew.”
Candy: “Rock, we now go live to a
report
from Spaz Modic who is with a man who has a connection with the suspects.”
Spaz: “Rock, Candy, I’m
here with
Ed Norton. Ed was working in a sewer in Spotsylvania just the day before
the sniper struck there. Ed, this is incredible. You were in the community
the day before the tragedy. Tell us, how do you feel?”
Ed: “Huh?”
Spaz: “There you have it, Rock,
Candy, the account of a man on the edge of disaster, but tragically, also
the story of a man who might have brought all this sorrow to an end, if only
he had taken action when he had the chance. His failure to act makes it difficult
for me to continue this report. Back to you Rock, Candy.”
Rock: “Yes, another of the many
examples in this case of people who could have stopped the carnage, if only
they had taken the time to notice these suspects looked suspicious.”
Candy: “We’ll soon be
bringing to our
faithful viewing audience a news conference that is being arranged by law
enforcement officials who are calling on Congress to approve standards that
would allow them more freedom to stop, detain, question, and torture people
who are suspicious, so that similar tragedies involving suspicious people
can be avoided in the future.”
Rock: “We’re also
looking into
reports that a petition drive has been started to ask Congress to change
the Second Amendment to the Constitution to strengthen the right to bear
arms, and add an unambiguous right to use those arms in the defense of liberty
and freedom as understood by the gun owner, and to shut down abortion clinics,
regardless of the right to due process.”
Candy: “All that, and much more,
coming
to you after this word from our sponsor, Blastmaster Arms, where ‘guns for
the good of all’ are produced proudly.”